May Melee

Where in the world do I start?! May has been, well, a crappy month. These last two weeks have been especially crappy. Last weekend I was horribly sick with food poisoning, and just when I get over that, I'm struck with this mysterious back pain. I woke up Thursday with horrible back pain than I can only compare to the back labor I felt with Noah. I was in tears by the time I dropped Noah off at my mom's, and by the time I made it to work, my Aunt Georgia had already called my mom gravely concerned. I was sent home from work after just a few hours, with a heating blanket and a heat wrap. (Thanks again, mom.) I've been in total misery ever since.

In between those two stellar experiences, I went see my new OBGYN (Dr. Kelvie) for my lab results. Not only am I not pregnant, but my progesterone levels are pathetic. I learned that the fertility docs like progesterone to be at 20, Dr. Kelvie prefers at least 10..... my progesterone level is at 3. 3?! That's barely existing! I'm basically on hormone life support. Just barely making it. Ugh.

So, I left her office with a prescription for Chlomid. Which I was supposed to take ASAP, since that day (Wednesday) was the fifth day of my cycle, which is the last possible day to being the 5 day treatment.

I filled the prescription, but I didn't take it.

I froze, I panicked. Isn't this what I wanted? Why am I now all the sudden so petrified of being pregnant? In the midst of all this panic, I called my step-mom Amelia. Her words of comfort were simple but true, she simply said "If you aren't sure, don't take it." Simple, I know, but I just needed someone else to tell me that it was ok if I didn't take it. Just one week prior I was flipping out about not knowing if I was pregnant or not.

I was supposed to drive up to Hollywood today to spend the day with Amelia, she makes an excellent sounding board for all the craziness in my head. However, this annoying back pain that just won't quite has kept me sidelined for yet another day.

So, my plan for now is this: one more month. I need at least one more month to sort through my head, and then if everything is crystal clear, I'll start the Chlomid. For now, I just need time.